Two summers ago, I had what could only be described as a chipmunk infestation. At strawberry time. IN the strawberries. %@&$!!!

Dear Chipmunks:

If you are going to take bites out of my strawberries, please eat the whole berry before biting into the next one. While I realize there are many strawberries out there, if you nibble a bit more consciously and judiciously, there will be more to go around. I am not opposed to sharing. I do not, however, like waste.

— The Human

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Dear Human:

What do you mean *your* strawberries? You live over there, in that weird, hard-sided, above-ground nest. We live directly below the strawberries in nice, normal, underground nests. Therefore, the strawberries are ours.

We ARE opposed to sharing, as we have many mouths to feed, and you have only one big one, unless the white wolf-beast eats strawberries, too. (It wouldn’t surprise us that creatures who cohabitate with you mutate and adopt strange habits.) So, kindly keep your nasty naked paws out of our strawberries.

— The Chipmunks

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(It’s ON, people! Arrogant little rodents!)