Dear Chipmunks:

I see you persist in your one-bite approach to eating my strawberries. If this doesn’t change, I might have to take action.

Re: strawberry ownership – These plants were started from six plants given to me by my father, who brought them here from Pennsylvania. I planted them, cared for them, and helped them spread and grow. You are simply consumers. You can’t lay claim to them. They are mine.

— The Human

P.S. That bird-shaped shadow that casts itself over the strawberry patch on many late mornings is not a hawk. Nothing to fear there.

P.P.S. Even if it were a hawk, they pose no threat to chipmunks. Feel free to dance around in the strawberries, even when you see that shadow. In fact, bring your family and friends out to play! They’ll appreciate the shade on warm days.

——

Dear Human:

We have burrowed and tunneled under the strawberries. We have only to reach out and pluck one, whereas you have to leave your above-ground den and walk over here to enjoy them. We re-assert our claim to ownership, since possession is 9/10s of the law, and we are certainly much more in possession of them than you are. We will, therefore, continue to eat them whenever we please.

Besides, we fail to see why this is such an issue. In a week or so you won’t even be able to keep up with picking, cleaning, and hulling them. You can’t possibly eat all of these berries! Human greed is a terrible thing. Give it up! Come over from the dark side and see things the Chipmunk way.

Re: the hawk – We’ve heard that one before. And we’d know better anyway. There’s this little thing called “genetic memory.” Which you’d be more familiar with if your species hadn’t gotten all Cartesian with that “I think; therefore, I am” stuff.

— The Chipmunks

——

Dear Chipmunks:

Descartes was a fool.

And your mother has a squirrel tail.

— The Human

—–

Dear Human:

“Yo mama” jabs? Really?! Why don’t you go and “evolve” some more? Obviously, standing up on two legs isn’t quite far enough.

— The Chipmunks