Dear Human:

A shoebox, a stick, and some birdseed? How stupid do you think we are? Even peanut butter wouldn’t lure us into such an infantile trap.

Regardless, this openly hostile act is not without consequences. Consider yourself warned.

— The Chipmunks

——

Dear Chipmunks:

OK, so I need to raise the bar a little. I went shoe shopping yesterday, so I had the boxes on hand and figured I’d give it a try. How stupid do I think you are? You’re RODENTS, fer pete’s sake!

Consider the shoebox thing a warning shot. You will cease and desist with the strawberry nibbling, or I’ll have to kick it up a notch and bring out the big guns.

Besides, what are you going to do to me? Nibble my toes off?

— The Human

——

Dear Human:

Your threats are a declaration of war! Prepare yourself!

We will now begin taking bites out of even the green strawberries. None will ripen! None will be edible! This. Is. WAR!!!!!!

— The Chipmunks

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Dear Mangy Vermin:

If you even LOOK like you’re eating the green strawberries, I’LL COME DOWN ON YOU LIKE A HAMMER! I’LL BLAST YOUR LITTLE STRIPY HIDES BACK INTO LAST WEEK!

I’LL TEAR YOUR LITTLE LIMBS FROM YOUR BODIES AND USE THEM AS TOOTHPICKS!

You WILL NOT destroy my strawberry crop! You will be BURIED!!!!!

— The Superior Species

——

Dear Human:

Have you considered trying decaf?

— The Chipmunks